still stuggling. but if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.something somewhere will tell me what's next. or so i hope. i am getting terribly impatient. i can not bring myself to make a decision. stuck. i certainly don't want to go back. i am afraid of what will happen if i move forward. here i am. at am impasse. waiting. waiting. what for? an answer? a command? an order?

i tend to be a decisive person. yes. no. not that. i love this. i usually don't hesitate, i go with how i feel. this has rarely let me down.

then why can't i figure out how i feel? a fairy godmother would be useful right now. i could make do with a crystal ball. or even a fortune teller. anyone have an old magic 8 ball lying around? while you're looking, can you see if you could find your old rubix cube, too? i seem to have lost mine. it must be hanging out with my mind.

all i know is i don't want to be here. anymore.

too many things interest me. i can't decide which would be the most rewarding. i shudder to think of a cubicle job again. i worked like that for almost two years, and i believe it sucked at least 5 years from my life. it was worse than the machine. at least that was over quickly. now, few people love their cube jobs. i know that. but i used to think that if i found a 'rewarding' cube job, i could somehow enjoy it. i am now thinking it has less to do with being locked in four half walls covered in mauve fabric stuck with pushpins and memos and pictures of your dog...i believe it is a reflection on how i feel about the world. what kind of lives are we living? for what?

i don't want the life i was raised to lead. a fairly normal suburban california kid. my 'goal' was an 'important' desk job. where they were supposed to pay me enough to prolong the american bad dream. yes, i loved that life growing up. it was all i knew. it was a life desired by many. at 18, i left.

i moved on. discovered other ways of living. found people that were so satisfied, so fufilled, so rewarded by a simple life. the did what they loved. they played music, read books, had long discussions, cooked glorious meals. i was enthralled. THIS was it. i can't explain it, really. but i knew. life woulnd its way down the curvy path it seems to follow. and THIS was pushed to the side, seen as a dream...i can't stop thinking about that life that i have tucked into a protected corner of my mind. if i let it out, who knows what will happen?