26 so tired of life, it's such a shame to throw it all away...i am annoyed with myself. disappointed in myself. to steal more lyrics, i'm stuck in a moment and i can't get out of here. so many things interest me, there are so many places i want to go, experiences i want to have, and ways i want to live. i got to a certain place in my life, and now everything is stagnant. and i can't seem to get myself to break out of the monotony. i can't decide what exactly i want next. which makes it simpler to wallow in the mediocrity i have enveloped myself in.

i wake up every morning and think, 'this is the day when i will figure it all out. where i am going. what i am looking for. and then i will have the drive to seek those things out.' and those dreams slowly disappear as the reality of life makes itself clear. i have always wanted to attend design school, perhaps a multimedia design degree. experimented as an art and design major in college, but ever critical, convinced myself that i could never be 'good enough.' i told myself i love art, but i don't want to be judged on my design ability in my career. there are days when i regret that decision to move away from design and focus on planning. i assumed that i would find a planning position that allowed me to utilize some creativity. that the ideal career would find me, and i would be blissfully happy.

welcome to the real world. frustrated by the planning world, found myself a creative outlet in web design. was able to teach myself quite a bit, and had connections to land steady work. busy, productive, working from home. my dogs were lavished with attention, the chores always were done, and many of the hassles associated with a traditional job were gone. work has slowly dried up, and i find myself unmotivated to go look for more. i feel i need to broaden my skills, learn more programming as well as more design.

should i just turn back to the planning world, writing environmental impact reports and cursing the system that requires them? if i felt like i was making a difference, i would return. i have trouble seeing how i can change things, as well as seeing planning as more than a 'desk job' where i sit typing reports all day. or, as i advance in the profession managing people who sit and write reports all day. how exciting.

i am someone who tends to have high expectations of everything. of friends, of work, of life, of myself. which, i suppose just sets me up for disappointment. all or nothing - if i cannot be the best, i am discouraged to even try. my father always expected perfection from me. he was not strict, there weren't many rules in my house. but i knew those expectations were there and that i had better rise to meet them. and i did. i expect similar things of myself. i am so scared of failure that i am afraid to try. i am annoyed that i can't seem to move beyond that.

you've got to get yourself together...

on a happier note, u2 tickets for the arco arena 11.20.01 go on sale in about 3 hours. :)