along long post. i know, i know, it's like that damn history teacher assigns you ten chapters after having no homework for the past three weeks. it's a story that was amusing when it occured. i hope that amusment isn't lost in the mind-finger-keyboard transistion. enjoy.

some days are better than others...today was finish christmas shopping day. an official holiday, of course. if you fail to observe it you will find yourself crushed in throngs of mad shoppers on december 23 with no hope for escape and forces to buy orange underwear and chartreuse socks for all of your gift recipients. quick! go now! you still have time to 'celebrate' before the day is over! the malls are open til 10pm! get a move on it, already. so, in observance, i headed to arden fair mall, woo hoo. somewhat ghetto. it has a spencer's gifts, frederick's of hollywood and a lenscrafters. great. i should have no problem finding what i am looking for.

calmly finished my shopping, only two gifts. and three for me. two abercrombie (ahh!! no!!! she listens to dave and she wears abercrombie! she must be one of those) shirts. one that says 'GEEK'. the other? 'A(big)mazing(little, below)'. couldn't find an 'amaysing' one. maybe next year. the sweatshirt i'd been looking for. all on sale. score. my lucky day. or so i was led to believe by the positive shopping experience. i even had a choice parking space at the mall.

then to costco. bah. but, i hadn't eaten all day, and a square meal of bites of pecan (that's pechan) pie, pieces of taquitos, a tiny cup of mushroom soup and a baby chocolate chip cookie - fresh from the toaster oven - would at least give me some kind of nourishment. what kind? i'm not sure. and the samples are always served by the polite and friendly senior citizens who eye you when you take the samples as if you were stealing their last meal. yay. having people over for a mexican bbq (that's bbq'ed quesadillas), so tortilla chips, salsa, cheese, tortillas, wine and coronas filled my cart.

steered my monstrous shopping cart - the ford expedition of the shopping cart world - to the front of the store, and chose one of the impossibly long lines. saw that the one next to me seemed to be moving faster, so i switched. in doing this, i broke the unspoken shopping line rule. you switch lines, the one you were in will automatically move significantly more quickly than your new line. in the new line it is inevitable that the cash register runs out of money, the cashiers switch shifts, prices cannot be found on every other item and grandma is painstakingly writing a check - all before you get anywhere near the front of the line. today? today that was not the case. a shopping line miracle! never before has it happened! i expected the ceiling to part, sunbeams to shine down and heavenly music to play. i was out of there before the line i was in moved more than five feet. if i only knew i would pay for this later....

steering my tank out of the parking lot, soda in hand, i space out and run the cart full speed into a curb. no, you don't want to see how i drive. and i push shopping carts almost as fast as i drive. soda spills all over my white tshirt. the beer falls off the bottom of the cart and crashes to the ground. damnit. fortunately, no beer lost. i was going to be home in a few minutes, so i could clean the shirt before the stain set. load up the subie, almost lock the keys in the hatchback and return my cart. i always (well, mostly always) return my cart. when i worked at trader joe's, i sometimes was assigned to do cart herding. getting all the stray carts to behave in line. think i have trouble pushing one cart? you should've seen me with twenty of them. i feel for the shopping cart herders. anyways, shopping cart ranting aside, i drove home. uneventfully. walked up to the front door and remembered that i had taken my house key off my keychain earlier that day. damnit again.

but! i now have my trusty cell phone. saved. call up dan, who is in alameda. but, jonathon, who lives with us, should be somewhere close. dan said he'll call jonathon and call me back. note to self: program jonathon's cell number into phone. perfect. i unload the car stuff onto the porch and wait. beep. the phone? dead. forgot about that battery thing. damnit thrice. hmm. sit there for a few minutes, pondering. remember my fried julie, who lives a few blocks away, has a key. drive down, no one home. quaddamnit. drive by our neighbor steven's, who jonathon works for. no jonathon car. drive by home. no jonathon. ding! dana. i can use her phone. drive over there, and catch her as she is backing out of the driveway. she's 45 minutes late for a meeting, but graciously lets me use her cell. call dan, who can't seem to figure out why i am not answering my cell phone. quickly i explain the turn of events, as my chicken breasts dethaw on the porch, hoping no one decides they want the corona i left there. jonathon was with steven, and should be by in 20 minutes or so. sit for 20 minutes and laugh at myself, as the coke stain becomes predominant on my shirt. jonathon shows up, key in hand.

the lesson of today? every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

8:29PM. i was never good at physics. i just broke my favorite bowl. eating bowl. handpainted with radishes. (no, really, it's a cool bowl)