The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

read this (it's not there anymore, though) when i was strolling past chad's place. made me think of my mother, who passed away almost two years ago on september 27. a tuesday. i recieved a phone call from my father just after 4am that morning. my mother had stopped breathing and the paramedics were at my house trying to revive her. 'i think they are getting pulse,' my dad said. 'i will call you back when there is more news.

the agony of waiting, praying, remembering my mother. telling dan all the wonderful times i had. how perfect she was. my hero. my role model. i was very lucky to have such a great mother. it was an hour and a half til he called with the news. she didn't make it. though i miss her terribly, she lived a wonderful life, embracing each moment. and i was fortunate to have 24 years with her. many do not have this relationship ever with their moms, even if she lives to 100.

her heart stopped beating. it was her time, somehow. but to lose someone in the way that so many were lost tuesday? i cannot imagine the pain, suffering. the agony these people must have at this time, waiting, searching, hoping. for days. as they continue to find survivors, their hope grows. but how long until they know? my heart goes out to these people. i hope they are able to find peace. and blindsided is exactly how i feel. life, life, life, changing and shifting...but usually slowly, gradually. but, suddenly it is different. i vowed to be more positive here. and look at this. more rambles. i'm trying...thanks for being patient. i promise fun stuff soon.

the speed limit on our downtown traffic circles? (used for traffic calming. we got some uptight traffic around here) 17 mph. 17? why? and how do you drive 17? that is almost impossibly slow, like when you see signs for 5 mph. and the graphic on the traffic circles signs is entertaining. (i will look for a pic tomorrow.)

there were security guards everywhere at the library today. searched my bag when i went in. at least 2 guards on every floor. i have never felt so watched before. but i think this is just a sign of things to come.

those first few moments of a morning...when you have first woken up, eyes half open, when your mind is slowly beginning to turn on, and you are thinking about the day to come. those moments are sacred to me now. because in those few precious moments my mind is back in that old comfortable place. the time before. a time that will never exist again....and then reality hits.

one more thing. that flight i was supposed to take on saturday night to jfk? it's still scheduled. the airport is supposed to reopen this afternoon (i believe). but i am now flying tuesday.