"He left this world as he lived in it, conscious of God, fearless of death, and at peace, surrounded by family and friends. He often said, `Everything else can wait but the search for God cannot wait, and love one another',"

once four, now two. what would music be like without the beatles?

it's raining. therefore, the ants think that my house would now be a nice place to hang out. found 'em today in the upstairs bathroom. not the kitchen. or even the downstairs bathroom. they trekked all the way upstairs to my toothpaste tube. which is what they went after. my house now has ants with very clean teeth marching through it. go figure.

my autobot?




hmm. still have flying building openings covered with glass on my machine, as much as i sometimes curse bill gates...

it's cold. and gray. and wintry. i love it. well, now that my heater is fixed and i have my heat dish i love it. we are supposed to get rain and high winds tonight. california doesn't get exciting weather too often, so it should be nice.

the government is once again using the 'war on terrorism' (which is just a silly statement to begin with. who/what/where is terrorism?) to pass ridiculous laws and regulations. sure, we'd all feel safer if every piece of baggage was checked. i know i laughed when i was one of the 'chosen' one third of the passengers to have their checked baggage searched flying home from new york. what about the other two-thirds? the airports now have sixty days to implement a program to search every bag. nevermind that there aren't enough baggage checking machines in existence, that there aren't enough trained employees to operate the non-existent machines and that the machine company has one year to upped their production. let's just make it happen faster.

watching the news last night, i heard an airline big wig (i forgot which one. my apologies) say that in order for all of the bags to be checked within the sixty day time frame, passengers may have to arrive up to 7 (that's seven. one more than six.) hours early. i know i have already discounted flying to southern california - it's a six hour drive. if i have to arrive at the airport three hours early, then an hour + flight, and another hour to be picked up at the airport and driven to my dad's house, it's just not worth it. imagine what having to arrive seven hours early will do?

why can't they just make regulations that make sense? and put funding behind them? in another arena, a few years back california decided that all lower grade classes must have less than 20 students. yet there was not funding to hire extra teachers, to build bigger schools, to buy more supplies. students were then taught by uncredentialed teachers in cramped classrooms. and that was better than having 25 kids in a classroom? argh. i hope they figure this whole thing out before i need to get on a plane to travel somewhere....

i'll get off my little soapbox now...and go bask in the bitter cold. (with my down jacket, of course)

some days i see things. read things. experience things. that are just. w.o.w. i think about me, my life, what i have accomplished. what i have not accomplished. what i want to accomplish. i wonder if i have somehow reached a dead end. still haven't snapped out of the funk. i feel somewhat trapped, or maybe constrained. i can't seem to find the motivation to move on. i should be learning so much more, teaching myself so much more. it is almost as if i feel so overwhelmed by the talents of the people i admire. i fear i could never produce.be.create anything that is so thoughtful.interesting.beautiful.creative. almost as if i am scared to try, i will not be good enough.

how will i know if i don't try? how will i encourage myself to try? i need to make a decision to focus on something - so many things interest me, but i feel as if everyone else in the world has a head start because i took too long to figure myself out. i sit here, wasting time. avoiding decisions. confused. i want to break open a fortune cookie with the answers.

The spoon in spoon, stirring my coffee,
I thought of you and turned to the gate
And on my way, came up with the answers
I scratched my head and the answers were gone

* * * * * * * * *

as far as thanksgiving, my family has changed. which is to be expected, as there is a new woman in my dad's life, who will soon take the title of my 'stepmother'. this word is foreign to me, difficult to say as it hangs on my tongue. i am 26 - the selfish part of me says 'i don't need a mother.' the possessive part says 'my mother was my hero. nobody can take that place.' the sacred part says 'i don't want to loose the memories of mom.'

i returned to my old house. with different furniture. different decor and knick knacks. pictures taken off the walls. things not quite as clean and organized as mom had it. a stark reminder that it is no longer mom's house. i realized that as much as i thought i was over losing mom, that i am not. i see her ways escaping the routines of our family. i feel as if i am the only one hanging on, preserving mom's legacy. i am proud to see dad moving on, but it is strange. his wedding will be traditional - men in tuxes, the bride in a long beaded gown, overcooked chicken and a tasteless cake. all things i know mom would have not have done - she was sophisticated, hip, she had fabulous taste. her wedding would have gourmet food, a stylish vera wang gown, a custom cheesecake. it is dad's life, and what is most important is that he is happy. i want him to be happy. but i am a lot like my mom, i hear her voice in my head...i am having a difficult time with the changes in my family. i felt like i was in a movie at thanksgiving - dropped into someone else's family. where everyone seems to know you, and you don't seem to understand what is going on.

i am aware of the fact that everything is changing, and that i need to do my best to accept it, move on, and support my family. i am trying. it's just much harder than i ever thought it would be. it's been two years, and i have been fine. suddenly it's different.

who was in charge of naming these new snapple 'elements' drinks? i bought one yesterday, a diet one. i almost always drink diet drinks, not that i am on a diet per se, but...i didn't really read the name of the drink until i set it on the shelf in my pantry. diet air. DIET AIR? now, come on, lite air? i didn't know air had any calories...here's the web page. the damn thing is in flash, so i can't link directly to the diet air page. but y'all are intelligent people (at least i think you are. if you're not, you'll have to suffer) and you can navigate to the diet air page. it's the light blue bottle once the intro movie is over. DIET AIR??? *shakes head*.

gotta go walk the dogs...i will try to finally elaborate on that thanksgiving story later today. glued to your seat, are you? ;)

jcrew usually is the goofy boxer champ. these, though, take goofy to a whole new level.

bought a presto heat dish today. set it up in my office next to my desk. toasty warm. better than the hairdryer. i know you are laughing. when you live in a cold house, a hairdryer provides instant warmth. i burnt out my hairdryer last year, trying to stay warm. i wish they made a mini heat dish i could take everywhere.

the ultimate coffee maker. with this, you'd never be without caffeine. unfortunately, it's sold out. get your order in now so you won't miss out on the next shipment. found this in a holiday catalog. the things they sell! (and who buys 'em?)

ahh. back at the old abode. had to escape orange county before i lost my mind. sometimes i wonder how i lived there for so many years - and loved it. but the person i was when i lived down there WAS the type of person who would love the self-absorbed, materialistic world that exists behind the orange curtain. i am happy i have changed. well, at least i think i have change. i hope i have changed.

on saturday morning i went to vons pavilions (the double s's - maybe it's von's pavilions. whatever). a mind boggling-ly (nice invento-word, eh?) HUGE grocery store...complete with a chinese restaurant and a starbucks inside. picked up some juice (which was why i went there in the first place). walked up the aisles gaping at the sheer quantity of groceries. i shop at a small grocery store here, raley's. it's a 'supermarket', just not a very big one. to see that there are enough varieties of, oh, tortilla chips to fill about 20 feet worth of shelf space was a curious thing. they are TORTILLA chips. which is a deep fried flour and water concoction. how many kinds CAN you make? oh, but they did have red and green ones. yuck. where was i going with this?

oh, yeah. starbucks. after i bought my juice (also picked up dulce de leche m&m's. hadn't seen those before. pretty good), i went to the starbucks counter for some caffeine. spending lots of quality family time requires large amounts of caffeinated beverages. i'd look funny with a coffee IV, so i went for a venti coffee. the women in front of me in line were typical orange county yuppie moms, in their flare-leg strech pants, nikes and hooded jackets, highlighted hair pulled up in a ponytails. they ordered gingerbread lattes. nonfat. decaf. nonfat decaf? what's the point? anyway, they insisted on HALF a pump of gingerbread syrup. HALF. no more, no less. and watched the barista intently.

'no! that's too much!' one said. the guy making the latte looked up quizzically. 'it's just WAY too sweet with a WHOLE pump. can't have that much. could you pour it out?'

'the gingerbread syrup really isn't that sweet,' he said.

'oh, but we can't stand it too sweet. only half. the only way to get the perfect blend of sweet and spicy.' she proclaimed. and continued to critique his latte making skills...'that is nonfat, isn't it? are you sure? decaf, right?' i sighed. i remembered why i can only take orange county in small doses now.

i'll have a venti coffee, please. :P

first thanksgiving in my old house that wasn't my mom's thanksgiving, with mom's stuffing, good mashed potatoes...we had green - GREEN! - jello salad. and candles shaped like pilgrims on the tables. and those little turkeys that have the paper ruffle tail feathers that fan out...things that would've made mom gag...or laugh. it was just STRANGE. more on that later. the dogs need a walk.