it's funny how he can make me feel so damn worthless. i always thought i was stronger that that. maybe i am just too sensitive. i take so much so personally. going to his grandmother's birthday party down in san luis obispo. visit with all of his relatives. i don't think it will be an easy day, but there will be lots of wine there so i should survive. i don't know how i feel about pretty much anything anymore...and it seems to change every five minutes. my trip proved to myself that that contentment and joy in life can still be there. i just need to find the same thing here.

ahem. go emotions. [minirant]bush's new airline safety stuff is a joke. his policies would not make me feel any safer on a plane. i still fly, and i am not frightened to. to truly increase security you will have to pay security agents more than minimum wage, and give the pilots firearms with training to use them. his policies are a waste of time and money.[/minirant]

for all that seriousness. (i have been way to serious this past week...) a joke. i have to steal utterly stupid ones as my the funny center in my brain is currently on vaction in hawaii:
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
kinda like that sofa king.......

first i read this, then this, and i am angry. sure we may be 'united': every SUV flies a flag, moms bake cupcakes with red white and blue sprinkles and stores stock a loop of ribbons so you can wear one to prove you are one of 'us'...but the some of the attitudes seen in the american public are sickening.

Almost a third of the American public -- 31 percent -- would favor detention camps for Arab-Americans

what the hell are these people thinking? do any of these people have friends or coworkers that are arab-americans? do they recognize what happened in the japanese camps in WWII? i am disgusted. and sad.

ever think you are oh so funny and clever and with a smirk on your face write something that you believe to be humorous? and then realize that it wasn't really either and that your poor attempt is now there plain as day for all to see? that was me today. excuse me while i go hide under a rock for a little....

i was driving this afternoon listening to an old mix tape (you know, those funny looking rectangular things with two reels?) and REM's 'it's the end of the world as we know it' was playing....and i feel fine, and i feel fine, and i feeel fiiiine...one of the X list songs. some of the songs they banned are quite suprising, and many are remarkable songs: imagine, american pie, fire and rain. (who came up with this list?) maybe i will make a cd of banned songs...

then i passed a guy wearing acid wash jeans. where did all the acid wash jeans go? you can find used levis all over the place, but rarely the acid wash ones. yet, in the 80s they were everywhere. acid wash heaven? a cult in nevada that will only wear acid wash commandeered all of them? i think i have a pair floating around somewhere....zipped ankles and all.

oh, in rochester...some things i did:

• ate most of my very own garbage plate (sans meat, however. which is somehow wrong, like i am trying to make it healthy)
  
• had sweet potato french fries for the first time. wow. ate pretty much the whole order of 'em
  
• discovered chef shepard can make a meal when all the fridge contains is eggs, bread and tofu (tofu!)
  
• was privlidged to hang out with many 'good people'
  
• found a fridge whose contents look strangely like mine - malena's - organic crunchy granola stuff
  
• met alex, malena's very sweet son and her husband dan while having lunch at a fabulous little cafe (veggie sandwich on foccacia)
  
• met dyan, shep's better sibling half, and was able to view the two of them in action..quite entertaining. :)
  
• a driving tour of the fingerlakes region on the way to the holler. damn, it is beautiful. too bad it snows there...
  
• got lost in shep's apartment complex, prayed his tire rod wouldn't reach it's 'it still has some miles left in it' limit causing the wheel to fall off, left my wallet in a resturant and figured out how to press 'talk' to make a cell phone number go through (i am seriously cell phone challenged) and....
  
• two (!!!) days at pollywogg holler. so soul satisfying. words just don't do the experience justice.
  

chad is is neat-o. he linked to me! i am honored. and thanks for the silly goofy grin it gave me. :)))) !

i had my pictures developed from my trip. i always forget a camera when i go places...i prefer the memories, and am always too involved in the experience to remember to take pictures. i was so proud of myself for remembering. but when i opened up the photo envelope i realized exactly why i never bring a camera.....

i take lousy pictures. and why oh why is it that only the pointless picures you took turn out well? my pictures of the manhattan skyline? well, i KNOW it's the manhattan skyline, but everyone else would see a blue sky and a streaky gray blur. pictures of wes's puppy? didn't turn out at all. just an overexposed image. how did i do THAT? it is a disposable camera for crying out loud. i thought they were supposed to be foolproof. being the fool i obviously am, i only managed to get 20 pictures out of a 27 photo camera. now, that is not 20 good pics and 7 bad pics....that's 20 prints - 7 somehow didn't take. guess i had the shutter speed set too slow, or used the wrong aperture....

anyone know where i can enroll in disposable camera 101?

two years ago today, september 27, i lost my mom. my hero. my best friend. a truly remarkable woman. i miss you, mom. and i love you.

i feel like i have been dropped back into a life that i am not quite sure i was living, like i don't belong here. kind of an odd invisible solitary feeling. after time with good people, it's lonely here.

that it is lonely here, but not alone
and on the telephone
you offer visions dancing

i'm listening
music in the bedroom
laughter in the hall
dive into the ocean
singing by the fire
running through the forest
and standing in the wind
in rolling canyons

i will not take these things for granted

what we have now-- more than ever-- is perspective, an opportunity to prioritize and, paradoxically enough, maybe to simplify our lives.

i'm back. safe and sound...that overwhelming high of a fabulous vacation leaving a nasty real life hangover. head down wondering what will become of me...it was wonderful. i will likely just throw around some stories from the trip in the next few days. but, ron, that is exactly what this trip gave me. experiencing the pure joy of just living, loving, enjoying, savoring, and appreciating. so content. so happy. it's been a long time coming...ten blissful days. i am a fortunate person, having friends and family who care so much, and will open their lives to me, welcome me. flying home i just thought. trying to remember those details that made the experiences leave a lasting imprint. jumped into a crazy time in the world and used it to examine where i am going, while looking back at where i have been. to prioritize what is important, simplify a complicated lifestyle, and gain a new perspective on what is important to me. more to come, but a highlight tour:

flight there.
'are you planning on committing any violent acts on the plane?' not unless i sit next to one of those people who try to engage in conversation when i am trying to sleep...yes, they really DID ask me this. it took great will to not laugh. first test of new 'security' system at airport. they searched random bags, just sorting through them, but not mine. my bag was so overstuffed i was thankful i wasn't one of the lucky ones who had to unpack and repack their bags at the airport. these 'safety measures' did not make me feel any safer. searching RANDOM bags? what about the unrandom ones? my own row on the redeye flight. go plane karma. touched down at jfk 20 minutes early. a good start.

new york.
successful navigation of the subway to karin's, on 14th street. smugly proud of this, being a suburban kid with little public transportation experience. and you can go anywhere for $1.50. not too shabby. had a picnic in central park with some of karin's classmates (she's a grad student at NYU). i was a relief to see new yorkers still living their lives, moving on - people walking their dogs, playing frisbee. many still had an uncertain shadow cast on their faces, though, and there were missing person signs everywhere. pictures of these people, their lives stolen. met katie, a close friend i haven't seen in 7 years, for sushi. karin and katie are those comfortable old friends, that you may not see them or talk to them for awhile, but as soon as you do, it was like that gap was never there. it was enlightening to hear their perspectives, as they are both single, living in the city, being so deliciously independent. i was jealous, i must admit.

sunday i picked up my rental car. ford ranger. hee. me, a truck chick. the funny thing? it had california license plates. how appropriate. and when i drive too fast, other drivers can say 'those damn californians. think they own the road.' :) and! it had a cd player. music for the drive to saratoga? blue luther college.

saratoga.
hi wes! on the drive there, i noticed that the exists on the ny thruway going north were all 17 miles apart. wondered if this was planned...hmmm. stopped at a carvel and got a vanilla cone with sprinkles. rainbow sprinkles. we don't have carvel here. damn, i was happy with that ice cream...in the car on the way there, i managed to spill coffee, juice, and ice cream on me. geez. next time i should bring those handi-wipe thingys. saratoga had that college town feel...and even though some of the streets didn't have street signs, i found wes's. hung out with him, sara and roxy the puppy. discovered that in saratoga fried cheese sticks are served with raspberry jam. watch old dave-in-pj-pants videos and got ridiculously high. it was fun. picked up a samples cd at borders on my way out the next morning. dug it. didn't leave the cd player for days...and headed out to pennsylvania to see the family. stopped in new paltz on the way....

pennsylvania.
love my grandparents. at almost 80, they are still going strong. live in a house my grandfather built in the country. it was interesting to go to my 'hometown' (i lived in the allentown area until i was 8) from an adult (well, i am at least trying to be an adult) perspective. visited my old library, my school, my house, ate a yocco's hot dog. thought about where i came from and how that shaped who i am today, pulling memories out of unexpected places. drove by the duck pond where my mom and i would feed them loaves of stale wonderbread. i felt my mom's presence in so many places. it was comforting, but sometimes eerie. the relative sameness that occurs in allentown (the changes since i have left are few) is somehow nourishing, to know that not all things have to change. decided with a 2+ hour drive to the airport, and the new 3 hour before your flight rule, driving the 4 hours to rochester was much more logical than flying. arranged to drop the truck in rochester (no fee to change! whoo hoo) and cancelled my ticket. on the road again to upstate....

highlights. ha. like i could ever be that concise. more later, the rochester chronicles. :)

'just make sure i'm around when you finally have something to say.' -toad the wet sprocket.

my trip? it's been enlightening, fun, interesting, amazing (and other assorted adjectives). i am still thinking about it all. don't have much else to say. home this afternoon.