u2. october 20. general admission floor seats. whoo damn hoo. :)

26 so tired of life, it's such a shame to throw it all away...i am annoyed with myself. disappointed in myself. to steal more lyrics, i'm stuck in a moment and i can't get out of here. so many things interest me, there are so many places i want to go, experiences i want to have, and ways i want to live. i got to a certain place in my life, and now everything is stagnant. and i can't seem to get myself to break out of the monotony. i can't decide what exactly i want next. which makes it simpler to wallow in the mediocrity i have enveloped myself in.

i wake up every morning and think, 'this is the day when i will figure it all out. where i am going. what i am looking for. and then i will have the drive to seek those things out.' and those dreams slowly disappear as the reality of life makes itself clear. i have always wanted to attend design school, perhaps a multimedia design degree. experimented as an art and design major in college, but ever critical, convinced myself that i could never be 'good enough.' i told myself i love art, but i don't want to be judged on my design ability in my career. there are days when i regret that decision to move away from design and focus on planning. i assumed that i would find a planning position that allowed me to utilize some creativity. that the ideal career would find me, and i would be blissfully happy.

welcome to the real world. frustrated by the planning world, found myself a creative outlet in web design. was able to teach myself quite a bit, and had connections to land steady work. busy, productive, working from home. my dogs were lavished with attention, the chores always were done, and many of the hassles associated with a traditional job were gone. work has slowly dried up, and i find myself unmotivated to go look for more. i feel i need to broaden my skills, learn more programming as well as more design.

should i just turn back to the planning world, writing environmental impact reports and cursing the system that requires them? if i felt like i was making a difference, i would return. i have trouble seeing how i can change things, as well as seeing planning as more than a 'desk job' where i sit typing reports all day. or, as i advance in the profession managing people who sit and write reports all day. how exciting.

i am someone who tends to have high expectations of everything. of friends, of work, of life, of myself. which, i suppose just sets me up for disappointment. all or nothing - if i cannot be the best, i am discouraged to even try. my father always expected perfection from me. he was not strict, there weren't many rules in my house. but i knew those expectations were there and that i had better rise to meet them. and i did. i expect similar things of myself. i am so scared of failure that i am afraid to try. i am annoyed that i can't seem to move beyond that.

you've got to get yourself together...

on a happier note, u2 tickets for the arco arena 11.20.01 go on sale in about 3 hours. :)

amazing things have been happening lately...i am envious, too. i spent this morning thinking about new designs, ways to spark creativity, how much i admire the work of these people. for lack of a better term, wow. you guys rock.

warning. this site may be addictive, particularly if you are one of those curious types.

some of my favorites:
computer clothing | coffee coffee coffee | meet george jetson | a glass of cabernet, please

this headline struck me as humorous. are we allowed to laugh a little yet? eyes and ears. no touch, no breathe. listen for that anthrax.

Bush Calls on Americans to 'Use Eyes and Ears'

eyes and ears and mouth and nose, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. hmm. i don't hear much clapping out there.

it's thursday. thirdsday. the fifth day of the week sounds like it should be the third. the government must have had something to do with this.

smokey the bear has his own zip code: 20252

dan and i on our climbing trip, in the morning. not sure why i look concerned. maybe i'm afraid there won't be enough espresso for me. my friends have a backpacking espresso maker. sweet.

andrew says that "he" (he not being andrew) says hi. who? i haven't a clue. but he asked me to put it here. here ya go. a sticker and now a blog entry. is there anything else you would like?

song of the day: david gray's 'say hello wave goodbye'...haven't listened to him in awhile.

Standin at the door of the pink Flamingo cryin in the rain,
It was a kind of so-so love and I’m gonna make sure it doesn’t happen again,
You and I had to be the standing joke of the year,
You were a runaround, a lost and found and not for me I feel,

Take your hands off me, hey,
I don’t belong to you, you see,
And take a look in my face, for the last time,
I never knew you, you never knew me,
Say hello goodbye,
Say hello and wave goodbye,

We tried to make it work, you in a cocktail skirt and me in a suit but it just wasn’t me,
You’re used to wearing less, and now your life’s a mess, so insecure you see,
I put up with all the scenes, this is one scene that’s goin to be played my way

Say hello and wave goodbye

Under the deep red light I can see the make-up slidin down,
Well hey little girl you will always make up so take off that unbecoming frown,
As for me, well I’ll find someone who’s not goin cheap in the sales,
A nice little housewife who’ll give me a steady life and not keep going
off the rails...say hello and wave goodbye

i want some weather...well, not weather. Weather. we don't get that too often here. usually pretty nice out, slightly chilly in the winter, and some rain here and there. nothing serious. but it's been monotonous recently. at least it's not southern california where they never have anything remotely resembling Weather. they have Earthquakes instead. at least you can see Weather coming, which can't be said for Earthquakes. someone want to send some snow this way?

one year ago today, we woke up and said 'president who?' (well, i still wake up thinking that. i am not the one who is part of that 90% approval rating) it seems so trivial now, though it seemed so important then. the roundabout way they came to a decison, that is. who is the president is anything but a trivial manner. monkey boy won, of course. we were worried about chads and butterflies then. now it is bin laden and anthrax. i prefer the chad/butterfly worrying, myself. where will we be one year from now? i am not sure i'd want to know, even if we could forsee the future.

i have discovered what may have been adding to the spectacular sky here recently. aurora borealis. maybe a drive up to the foothills, away from the city lights, will be nice tonight.

When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise

'city lights' caused a john mayer moment there...he's gonna be on conan o'brien friday, november 9. that's this friday for those of you who can't remember what day it is (i usually fall into that category, so i thought i'd help you out if you do, too)

i was going to paint yesterday, but then could not find my watercolor palette and drawing board. it used to be in the front bedroom closet, but now jonathon's stuff is there. maybe it's in the garage. i used to love to paint, and it has been something that i just haven't taken the time to do in awhile. now seems like a good time to start again.

i am positive that this isn't as enthusiastic as it should be, but i'm working on that. :)

i miss the castro kids.

i found a notebook from college. one that i kept interesting quotes, pictures, inspiring thoughts, calvin and hobbes comic strips and whatnot. (hmm. i just like the word whatnot. makes me think of 'on the shores of silver lake' by laura ingalls. they build a 'whatnot' which is a stack of shelves designed to fit into a corner. i love those books) on the first page i have a single quote: be the most enthusiastic and positive person you know. august 1994. i haven't been doing a very good job of being that person recently.on the second page is the only writing that is mine, a single journal type entry. dealing with the end of a relationship (my first 'love'), as well as finding out one of my best friend's now-ex-girlfriend was pregnant - at 19, i was realizing that the real world is just that.

'well, after today things can only get better. what a full confusing day of emotions and surprises. i feel very vulnerable and old...having to deal with issues i have avoided in the past. they were always someone else's problems, not someone i knew'....'a feeling of independence and freedom. i also feel as if i am so close to being the person i aim to be, slowly climbing to the top. so much growing has been done in the past year, i have learned so much about life, love and relationships...but there is so much more to be learned, as there always will be. and there are always many more tomorrows to look forward to.'

what happened? i was so close, but now somehow i feel so far away.

not only a pink sunset last night, but a pink sunrise today. should we really be breathing this air?

my coffee now has froth. couldn't get myself to break down and buy an espresso machine, but for $7.99 i bought a 'frothe' milk frother. now i can pretend i am drinking fancy coffee. hell, some people spend almost that much on one coffee drink from starbucks. :)

i [heart] coffee. lots of coffee.

i don't know about all of you, i need this again:

follow your heart. think big.love open space. cherish your family. know that all children need love. plant trees. listen for the birds. cherish the land. save prairies, forests, wetlands, woods and streams. stop sprawl. preserve farmland. reserve habitat for wildlife. think small. one small planet. safeguard clean air and water. use alternative energy. recycle. take positive action. work for peace. promote harmony. create joy. love others. teach by example. see beauty around you. enjoy art. collect beautiful things. make mistakes. trust yourself.

i was living in a state of perpetual deja va | the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide | stop trying to control everything an just let go. i need to sit down and watch that again.

welcome back. hold your hand under the ultra-violet lamp...yup. you have the 'goofy' stamp. you can be readmitted...

i have two big dogs. people find you instantly fascinating when you have big dogs. and they always have questions for you. believing that they are oh-so perceptive, they ask you questions they think are clever and humourous. and that you have never heard them before. i have some news for you, people out there who ask such questions (of course, these people aren't YOU, kind readers) - big dog owners have heard them all before. numerous times. we appreciate the fact that you are interested in our dogs. really, we are. but please refrain from asking:

are you walking them or are they walking you?
i walk them, thank you. if they were energetic enough to walk me, i wouldn't be WALKING, i would be wearing rollerblades so all i had to do was hang on. and i could charge admission and make them an amusement park ride. i don't know how they'd feel about that...

do you have a saddle for that thing?
why yes! every year at the fair they are part of the pony rides...NO! it's a DOG. have you ever met a white fluffy horse? no? i didn't think so. everest is lazy. if you tried to sit on him, he'd lay down to nap. because that's all he really does, anyway.

they must eat you out of house and home!
we have now sold all of our furniture and are now living on beans and rice, praying our house will not be foreclosed. we can't keep up with the side of beef they eat each day...they accept donations. really, they don't eat nearly as much as you think. 4 cups of food a day. less than you likely eat.

ahem. sorry, big dog owner venting there...i have debated making up business cards with the answers to those questions. don't worry, i always answer them politely. :) i get all geeked when people like my dogs. i wonder, though, do little dog people get questions like this, too?

we have had so many pink sunsets here recently. gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. don't tell me it's because of all of the smog. i know that. i choose to think it's because of something nicer...and if i had a digital camera, i'd have a picture for you. i don't, but i am sure you can imagine one. this way it's everybody's perfect pink sunset, not just mine. i like to share like that.

'me talk pretty one day' is great. thanks, ron. :) i am finally finding time to read it. hilarious.

this was supposed to be 'more interesting'. i am not too sure it is. though, it was only up against fleece socks and hackey sak...but that garnered 2.5 comments. never imagined fleece socks were that well-liked. :)

i love my fleece socks. don't let them get too close to the campfire, though. they will melt. and don't use the arm of your fleece as a pot holder. it'll melt, too.

'i drink you up, i drink you down, c'mon love won't you two step with me' - i love two step on the warehouse5.

i wish i could play hackey sak. the ultimate climber way to waste time, and i have trouble walking on my feet, let alone hitting little woven sacks of pebbles with them.

i should be more interesting later. please return. your handstamp allows you unlimited admission all day. :)